Here's Lookin' at You Kid..

I'm gonna rant here. So please, just skip over this.



One of my best friends has been set apart as a missionary for the LDS church a couple of hours ago. I don't know if that has anything to do with the fact that things have been kind of falling apart in this neck of the woods the last few days. I got in a fight with my mom. I acted like an immature 3 year old. Throwing my body over a garbage bag of my possessions she threatened to throw away after I refused to clean my room. I'm ashamed and embarrassed. In retrospect, I fully understand that I was cranky, crazy and obviously didn't want to clean my room, but in the moment, I promise from the bottom of my heart that I felt in the right. I knew she would get the bag. That wasn't what kept me holding on, or even the clothes or...whatever, it was a thing where...my mother rarely respects me. Anything about me. And why should she? children are to respect parents, not the other way around. She opens my mail, reads my texts, tells me when to go to bed, and has never allowed me to lock my room door, she knows all my passwords and most be notified constantly where and who I am with. I am 18 years old. Believe it or not though, I fully consent to this, I love having a mother who cares so much about me, I know she just wants to protect me, and to be fully honest, I love sharing and being open with my mom, we've actually always been very close. The point of the fight - obviously I was in a bad mood. I didn't feel like I was, but I guess I must've been. She asked me to clean my room, I told her that once she once done on the computer I would oblige (look at me putting conditions on obedience...dafuq?) I just didn't want her there criticizing my every move, my clothes, everything. After a while she reprimanded me and called me "carajita" which is a derogatory term for someone younger...like "child" and "slut" mixed together or something (not really, but you get the point), I proceeded to leave them room. I didn't want to fight. She called out saying that if I didn't clean the room, she would throw all my possessions out. For once I just didn't want to give in to her...she kept threatening me and honestly I didn't care, I knew she was gonna win, but I just wanted to feel like...I don't know. Like I could decide. She then started putting my things in garbage bags. I calmly (after shedding a few silent tears in frustration) went into the room to put things away. She threatened, and told me to stop touching anything, yelling at me for mocking her and never obeying. Eventually I ended up over one of the garbage bags refusing to let her take it away. She slapped me across the face a few times and I knew she was gonna get the bag (and throw my stuff away) but that bag was all I had. The only time I've stood up to her. I obviously did it wrong. But I didn't want to let go...after fighting about it for about 20 minutes. I let go. (I assume this morning she threw everything away. or gave it to goodwill, because she is awfully calm about all this) I then, in quiet panic, left my house. I just needed to leave. To breathe. To be cold. To be humbled. I've never ever done that. It was snowing and about 12 AM, but I...just needed a break. I came back home. She explained "her house, her rules", I consented, obviously now with a clear head. She hasn't wanted to talk about it since. She hasn't taken any of my privileges away, so I assume my things are gone.

The worst part of all this? Angie witnessed it all. She kept telling me to let go. And I wouldn't. I'm embarrassed. And...really sad. I'm sorry with my mom. I'm sorry with Angie. I know she was pretty horrified with it all. And..I understand she thinks quite less of me now.

It was a weird situation. Definitely made worse with Jose leaving. He's who I usually call. He's conveniently far away and incapable of doing anything of actual consequence other than listening. I couldn't call Ygor. One) he works at 2 AM. and Two) still...adjusting. He's perfect. I love him so much. It just takes me a really long time to let people in. Because I..get way to attached to people. I like knowing they'll stick around by..seeing them stick around a long time.

More?

I'm in a funk with Jazzy. I can't run there. And what's even worse is that Angie probably (no. did.) went to her to explain how insanely uncomfortable she was yesterday. and it sucks. it sucks sweaty balls that things aren't ok with Jazz, because honestly, that's the only person I need right now. But we go through these ridiculous cycles where she internalizes all the horrible things I do while we grow apart, and then everything blows up in our face. Then we work things out. We're in the internalizing portion of the ride ladies and gents.

Ygor is asking questions about my past. Which is completely normal. Thing is, I have quite a few skeletons in my closet. Things that I'm still figuring out and dealing with myself. And..gaahh I'm trying so hard to not screw things up this time around. He's a good man, he's the right man. (ugh what do I know. I know nothing). I just, I'm waiting for that moment for him to realize what a disappointment I am. It's coming. and then what? what happens after the perfect man? Could it be they've all been "perfect"??? I tend to accommodate to the person I'm with...no. no. He really is perfect. He's right. I'm tainted. Broken. Even the best man in the world will be disappointed and hurt by my choices. Will question his choice. Will realize how much better than me he is. I was/ am an idiot.

and all this without Jose to tell me to go to bed cause everything will be fine tomorrow morning.
Pepe.
He's gonna be so close. St. George. It's just two years. He's not dead. And honestly we saw each other about as much as we will see each other now.
I'm...really gonna miss him.



Here's lookin at you kid.




P.S. I need to relieve this tension in my heart. here.